Inside Rynnie's Head

2011-12-10T15:09:00.001-05:00

It's very cold outside today. I had to walk down to pick up my meds and my cheeks were well tingly when I got home.

Next time I'll wear pants.

Ba-dump-bump-ching!

2011-10-22T15:28:00.001-04:00

It's a rainy day and I'm bored. I will start writing in a little while. I'm gearing up for NaNoWriMo again this year. I have high hopes of winning. At least the story I'm working on this year is one I feel like I'll like, not like last year when I got half way through and realized I hated the main character.

Wish me luck!

Update

2011-09-17T15:22:00.000-04:00

So I made it though the birthday, alone, sad, but that's behind me. Now I'm dreading the winter. It's starting to get colder, didn't make it out of the 50s yesterday. I don't want to turn on the heat. I don't want to see the snow.

I'm missing summer already.

It's that time of year again

2011-08-31T13:38:00.002-04:00

The pre-birthday blues are upon me. At first the idea of turning 50 didn't bother me, now it seems a really big number to be.

I don't want to be one of those mid-life crisis "Why ME!" people that yearns for their twenties but 50 is a long way from 20. It feels like I was another person back then. And of course I was. I think that I'm a better person now especially with all my chinks and dings, than I was back then. I don't fret like I used to (thank you, meds) and I'm more comfortable with who I am than I was.

So why the stress?

I can only guess that it's a tradition. It happens every year and I've gotten to expect it. There's nothing more to it than that.

So until Monday I say quietly to myself, "Waaaahhhh, why me?" and wait for the clouds to clear.

The New Year

2011-01-05T18:25:00.002-05:00

I've had a look around and this is 2011.

There is the same crap as the old year except it's got a little more dust on it.

Today I slept through the doorbell ringing for half an hour and Dresden didn't get up from where he was sleeping. I was on my side and he was laying on my side. I went grocery shopping with Darrell today, seriously thinking about giving up meat so I didn't buy any. I need to lose weight and it seems like a healthy way to do it.

So there.

Long Time No Post

2010-10-19T20:26:00.002-04:00

It's funny because it's true.

Here it is in a nutshell; I moved, I turned 49 (shut up), found a kidney stone*, spent too much time home alone, then that gets us here.

So, how are you?

*I didn't find it, I had an x-ray for my back and there was a little something there so I went for a CAT-scan, where they found a stone that was blocking my right kidney. (It was the size of a jelly bean, but not one that you'd want to eat.) Well, from there it went pretty quickly, another x-ray, followed by a day procedure to put in a stent. That didn't go well so they put a hole in my back and stuck a tube into my kidney to let it drain. Then, as if that weren't enough, I spent nearly a month house bound with nurses coming in to change my dressing every other day. Finally I got another day surgery scheduled where the stone was zapped with a laser and a stent put in and the tube taken out (Yay!)

What you've missed so far

2010-08-28T13:09:00.003-04:00

I found an apartment, packed, moved, and am now in the process of unpacking.

I like my new place, it was built in the 20's and has a nice at-home feel to it. I'm slowly putting things away and finding that I have more stuff than space (SURPRISE!).

That's it for now. Feeling tired and hungry.

June, so far

2010-06-16T18:53:00.001-04:00

I've bought a car. I've gotten a Section 8 voucher. And I had a really good nap.

How are you?

Money

2010-05-24T11:45:00.002-04:00

I hate it. I love it. I never have enough of it.

Next month I'm going to be as broke as I've ever been. I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford food. It's my own fault, I haven't made out a budget like I should have so I over spent this month and have horribly overdrawn my bank account.

It has happened before, I've lived through it, I'll survive, it's the waiting to see how bad it's going to be that's making my stomach do the flip-flops.

Since I'll have no money, I'll have to make my self comfortable at home and not go out which should be easy since Laurie has taken away my truck privileges and Tom's car is ill.

My mantra for June: It'll be okay. It'll be okay. It'll be okay...

Jim Butcher...

2010-04-25T14:25:00.001-04:00

I just finished reading Changes.

You bastard.

Hurry up and publish the next book!

Comments, Now With 100% More Spam!

2010-04-04T13:37:00.002-04:00

The last couple of months every time I go to look at the comments, if there are any, they are spam. I don't know how the Spam-Bot is getting into the comment field but it's getting in there plenty.

The other day there were 10 fully formed ads in my comments to be moderated area. No "Buy This" with a link, we're talking several paragraphs of why this ad is the ad to be okayed. At least in the Buy This days the link had something to do with the post, now it's all over the place with its go here with this company and buy this for your penis. It's annoying to say the least.

At least my cold is gone.

Flu Season

2010-03-10T19:29:00.002-05:00

I've been sick for a week with the flu. Today was the first day that I've been out of bed and dressed since Saturday, which is also the last day that I checked the mail before today. There was only a letter from the census to let me know that I'd be getting the actual census material in about a week. Way to waste paper and postage Census People. Tsk.

I canceled a doctor's appointment because it was just a follow up and it hurt to move, the nurse told me that everyone has this flu.

I guess since I had both the flu shots, they owe me some fever free days down the line. I wonder to whom I would complain.

Things are getting better; the weather has turned warmer and lack of snow on the ground makes me feel better in spite of the body aches. Sunshine and green/brown grass, I'll take it.

Ready for Spring

2010-02-20T10:25:00.002-05:00

It hasn't been a hard winter. At least not in the sense of shoveling snow, cleaning off cars, and changing plans because of the weather, but the cold gray of it was difficult. Spring, the official day, is a month away and I can only hope that it will bring the light and warmth with it.

This summer I will find a way to swim be it a pool or a pond. I will move around more, or at least as much as my mood will let me. I will go visit friends, no excuses, drive, bus or plane I will go.

All these things rest in the future as for now I wait.

If I Close My Eyes

2010-01-21T17:21:00.003-05:00

I hear Dave Foley doing a little girl character.

I'm not sure that it isn't.

Learn more about Alina Foley at PETAKids.com.

She really is the cutest thing. I'm not a kid person but if I met her I think I would lose my mind like those old people in nursing homes when someone brings in a child. (There's very little that's as creepy as an elderly person looking at an infant.)

Not to say that I'm creepy but... oh hell...

Love your pets, because how would you feel? ::squeeeee!::

This Time of Year

2009-12-27T11:27:00.002-05:00

I know there are a lot of people who say they hate the holidays; they hate the crowds; they hate the enforced cheerfulness; they hate the inherent need to have someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight.

I can't say that I hate the holidays. I haven't celebrated them for years, so they do get under my feet like a distracted pet might but they don't effect me. I can't even say that I hate the first of the year. I dread it.

More than anything else that comes throughout the year, the first of the year is my Kryptonite.

I dig in my heels and it pulls me along, not noticing my struggle to keep it from happening.

My mother died in January. My grandmother died a half an hour before the new year. My sweet Maudry Moo died in February. I was asked to leave the place that I was living in January which lead to me having to move back to Maine.

For 48 years it doesn't add up to much as far as incidences go, but the weight of them, oh shit, the weight of them - I feel pinned to the floor.

I want to go to bed and stay there.

I try to be strong, I want to be able to not have this superstition, this down hearted feeling, every year, but I'm afraid that if I'm not consistently aware that it will blind side me. I'm smarter than this. Jinxes are filed under Villagers With Torches.

I know better.

But my heart cowers in the castle dungeons and waits for the inevitable.

It Must Be the Beginning of...W Because it...S.ed

2009-12-06T10:45:00.002-05:00

It's only a couple of inches but, yuck, it snowed yesterday and has the nerve to still be on the ground.

Before you make a comment about how it is December and that Christmas is just over 3 weeks away let me say this: Shut. Up.

This past summer was lots of rain followed by humidity and I'm still feeling bitter about it. I didn't get to go swimming. There was way too much not doing anything, and I want a Do-Over.

On the plus side I started therapy a few weeks back and I'm feeling better about things in general and a couple of things specifically, so I've got that going for me.

I'm waiting for the next thing, I'm not sure what it is but I'll know it when I see it.

In other big news, I got my period for the first time in 8 months. The only thing I can think of that I did differently is that I hadn't worn tight pants in all that time. The other day, with my regular pants too big for me and no belts to hold them in place, I pulled on an old pair of too tight pants. Later that night, period.

So here's your update; Staying snow= bad; No summer=bad; Therapy=good!; Next thing= ?; and return of the period=urk.

Comedy Day

2009-11-27T09:44:00.002-05:00

I post this so that Comedy Day in San Francisco might

win some money to continue to help the homeless.

Please vote, too.

A Little Post

2009-11-21T13:51:00.002-05:00

I've got a bunch of cleaning to do before Thursday and to postpone it a little more I thought that I'd write a blog post.

I'm doing really badly at the National Novel Writing Month, only 5005 words and they aren't so much a story as a grouping of things that happened to me when I was in SF. I had hoped that I might be able to put them all together then connect them with a story line.

Not so much.

I haven't given up on the idea yet, but I have pretty much given up on NaNoWriMo this year. At least last year I got eight times further before I realized that I was done.

Anyway, that's all from Camp Grumpy.

Heil Obama?

2009-11-05T15:21:00.004-05:00

I was told by a neighbor about this video. He said that it was sick and wrong because school children were pledging an allegiance to our president. This neighbor held it up to the light and declared it to be the same as the Middle Eastern people pledging their allegiance to Saddam Hussein.

I know that this neighbor did not vote for our now president, so rather than take his word for it, I told him I would have to see the video and get back to him.

The above is that video. He, my neighbor, said that it was like watching the Nazi Party.

I have to wonder if it isn't the word "allegiance" that's is causing all the hoopla. We grew up saying the pledge of allegiance to the flag, so I wonder if we've lost track of a meaning.

Here's what my computer's dictionary has to say on the subject of "allegiance."

loyalty or commitment of a subordinate to a superior or of an individual to a group or cause : those wishing to receive citizenship must swear allegiance to the republic | a complex pattern of cross-party allegiances.
ORIGIN late Middle English : from Anglo-Norman French, variant of Old French ligeance, from lige, liege (see liege ), perhaps by association with Anglo-Latin alligantia ‘alliance.’

Okay, so now were on the same page. We will follow where you lead. I'll bet that was something Jesus heard all the time, good thing he came before the Nazi Party or he'd have to keep explaining himself all the time.

If you watch the video you will see that it pledges all kinds of things, to take care of one another, to love, to smile, to work harder for those who can't. Isn't that what a society should be about? And yes, it also says that we pledge allegiance to our president.

Does this mean that there weren't people pledging to follow Bush Jr. or Bush Sr? No, in fact I think that they were doing it, but they were doing it behind closed doors and in a whisper. Or maybe it's the message that a black man could have an all inclusive "let's make the world livable, joyful, loving place" idea for mankind that really worries the Republicans. Taking that step closer to being what Gene Roddenberry saw as humanity's future, is scaring the "I've got mine, and you can go screw" Conservatives.

I go back to a book that I read when I was barely into my 20's, Trying Hard to Hear You by Sandra Scoppettone: Love is better than hate.

When I see my neighbor, I will tell him that I saw the video, and that I don't see what the problem is, love is better than hate.

What a Rotten Week

2009-10-31T12:37:00.006-04:00

Darrell's best friend died last Sunday. He was also a good, dear friend of Theanna's. I knew him, but not well.

Rob was almost 7 feet tall, was battling a weight problem, and like most men of that frame and girth, he had a voice that carried. I'm told that he was a very playful man with a heart as warm as the sun. He must have been an extremely special person because his passing has caused a depth of grief that I have not seen in my friends before.

They used to get together, along with a mutual friend, Ron, Saturday nights to watch movies and eat large flavorful meals that Rob took joy in cooking for them. They called themselves the Saturday Night Supper Club. I attended once and it was a good meal, but through no fault of their own, I felt as if I didn't belong. This was theirs.

Like so many rituals there was a feeling of warm familiarity and absolute trust; everyone knew their part in the evening. It was like a weekly family holiday in a home without baggage.

There's a Rob shaped hole in the world and it will take time to not remember that harsh reality every second of every day, but as time passes the tears will be replaced by smiles and laughter when telling of Rob's life.

Far be it for me to try to put it better than W.H. Auden's poem Funeral Blues, used in Four Weddings and a Funeral for a good reason. However I do disagree, I think love does last forever. I believe that our like kind attractions, go on and on, much like the universe.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

See you later, Rob. Next time, I hope to know you better.

RIP

2009-10-23T20:48:00.001-04:00

Aw, Soupy Sales died.

My friend, Ade, used to go dancing with him and Artie Johnson at the Copa.

Like You Needed To Know

2009-10-17T18:57:00.001-04:00

I'm taking a new medication and one of the side effects is that I pooh so hard that it feels like the anal version of the dry heaves.

But, hey, at least it's not snowing.

Ever Had One of Those Days?

2009-10-10T19:34:00.002-04:00

The best laid plans are actually a misunderstanding...

All the energy has been sucked out of your body and replaced with some kind of bitter fluid...

You can't for the life of you remember why you were ever happy...

The one thing that you enjoy, you either can't find, is illegal, or your doctor says you can't have anymore...

Money, as much as you enjoy having it, seems to make every endeavor like climbing Mt. Everest, backward, on fire, in your stocking feet...

All you want to do is to go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better but they're calling for rain...

You miss far away friends, but they don't miss you...

Or if they do miss you, they are putting on the bravest faces ever and get on with their lives...

Some times, the only thing that makes sense are crackers and cheese...

A New Saying to the Vernacular and How to Use It.

2009-09-24T10:10:00.001-04:00

When things are going well, you're feeling relaxed, then BOOM, everything is horrible, people are yelling at you and you start to feel kind of sick.("Sorry about spitting my chaw into your gram ma's ashes, I really swallowed the dwarf on that one.")

Or if you see something wonderful, magical, you are delighted until you realize that you've misunderstood what was going on and it's actually awful. ("Ooo! Ahhh! I love fireworks and these are particularly good... Bombs? Whoa, did I swallow the dwarf there or what?")

And finally, when you're doing your best, you're amazed by your own skill, then everything goes dark. ("I had everyone's attention, it was the best presentation I've ever given, and that's when I realized that PowerPoint was actually showing images from that weekend I spent in Amsterdam. I was totally swallowed by the hippo.")

In The Year 2000

2009-09-06T17:13:00.001-04:00

Too Cute

2009-08-26T10:46:00.000-04:00

An Weird End To An Otherwise Bland Day

2009-08-20T21:04:00.002-04:00

Just caught Dresden carrying one of my nail buffers. The funniest part is that if I hadn't walked in the room as he was walking out, I think that he was in the process of bringing it to me.

That's m' boy!

I Love This

2009-08-15T14:54:00.002-04:00

The View From Here

2009-07-23T19:58:00.002-04:00

The deaf woman who lives in building 4 is out walking her dog. An over-weight, aging, white poodle that we believe is named Baby, waddles along the paved walkway while his deaf owner waddles behind him. Her hair is dyed a deep burgundy and thick blue eyeliner nearly covers both her lids in a sad attempt to appear stylish. I’m watching them from the middle of my living room through the window. To them I am invisible, if I were any closer to the glass they could see me and I would run the risk that she might try to sell me some of the cheap jewelry that she has in a shoe box. Last time, I bought a bracelet on elastic cord that I plan to take apart and make something “better.”

From this vantage point, I am able to not only look down at my neighbors but also judge them from a comfortable distance where they cannot judge me.

The deaf woman is not the only person with a dog in this complex; there are three in building one, one in building 2 (the building where I live) and the deaf woman in building four. Building 3, I now realize, is mostly pet free. There’s a man on the second floor who has a tortoise shell tabby cat named Tiger.

I have two cats, Jocelyn, 9 years 4 months, and Dresden, 1 year 3 month. The woman below me has a cat then on the other end of the building there is a dog, Poe whom I love dearly. He must feel the same because every time he sees me he stands up on his hind legs and paws the air at me with his front legs. If I’m sitting down, he jumps up onto my lap and tries to put his tongue in my mouth. He’s a mutt with a tuft of blond fur that stands up on the top of his head.

I have a good friend who lives in building 4 who has a cat named Tyger. The “Y” in her name is the least of what sets her apart from the other cat I have mentioned by the same sounding name. She, with the Y, is in her upper teens, quite old for a cat that isn’t Siamese. She is a funny cat; I kissed her on the head the other day and she hissed at me. There’s something matronly about Tyger with a Y, she moves slowly like the old woman that she is, and yet she scrambles up the front of her owner to get snuggles. Granted my friend is usually sitting down when this happens but it doesn’t decrease the joy that it gives me. Prior to the scramble there is a pawing technique that always makes me smile. She sits down then rears up and taps her owner’s leg. Or is it a poke? It’s a bit of both.

“Excuse me, waitress,” Tyger’s paws convey, “Love me.”

If it weren’t for the pets that my neighbors have I would have no reason to have talked to them in the first place. I am a private person, my alone time is important to me, knowing people who live within walking distance runs the risk of someone dropping by.

I do not like it when people drop by. I want a call first. A chance to say, “Now? Why not tomorrow? Or in a year?”

I like my neighbors; I love my space.

But the introduction to pets makes me want to seek them, my neighbors, out. If there was a way to just see the animals I could go for that. However ringing a neighbor’s doorbell and asking, “Is Butch available for a walk?” doesn't seem right.

Am I the kind of person that someone would want to date their pet?

Most of my neighbors like me; a large number of them are elderly and I always offer to clean the snow off their cars, or carry that large heavy bag of groceries, or offer my number should they need anything. Then I eyeball my Caller ID and think, “They can leave a message.”

How much would they like me I wonder if they knew that I was standing in the shadows, judging them?

I Drew a Tree Today

2009-07-22T21:38:00.001-04:00

Happy birthday to my extraordinary Tavie!

2009-07-11T11:09:00.003-04:00

She's funny, she's smart, she's beautiful, she's 26 percent more wonderful than chocolate, and she's 30 today.

I'm demanding that she have a marvelous day and to party like it's 2099.

TMBG

2009-06-14T14:06:00.000-04:00

Filmed by eva8

Very Tired

2009-05-18T19:38:00.002-04:00

The past couple of days I've been exhausted. I get up before 8 and start to lag about 11am and go take a nap. Today I had a migraine that I had to sleep away.

Tomorrow Laurie and I are going to see the new Star Trek movie then go to Longfellow's Green House. I hope I don't doze off in the theater. It won't be the films fault if I do.

The last movie I saw in the theater was Hot Fuzz; I used to go to the movies all the time. I miss those days.

Quick Catch-Up

2009-05-11T18:29:00.001-04:00

Not much to report except the guy that told me he wouldn't be my friend anymore has started calling my home phone. This is the guy that stopped being friends with me once before; both times were over things he did, not something I did.

Part of me wants to call his boyfriend, the one who doesn't want him being friends with me, and ask him to tell his partner to leave me alone, he made his decision now lie in it.

Another part of me wants to pick up the phone and say, "You are a liar and a sneak and I want nothing to do with you."

Yet another wants to forward him the email that he sent me when he decided that he didn't want to know me anymore.

I'll probably just not answer the phone when he calls. He'll either get the message or he won't. When it comes right down to it, I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I don't trust him as far as I could spit him. I was honest with him and he lied. He made offers then took them back, when I called him on it, he ending the relationship.

This is all his doing and I'm done.

Spring Cleaning

2009-04-10T13:29:00.002-04:00

Almost all the dishes are done, once they are, I will start making the red sauce for the lasagna that I'm assembling tomorrow. While that simmers I'll get back to picking up and dusting.

I haven't felt like blogging for awhile now. I don't feel like I have anything to say that is interesting also I haven't needed to vent.

I should start writing again - these ideas I have won't write themselves, the lazy fuckers.

I'll be back when there's something to report.

Look!

2009-03-14T22:08:00.002-04:00

It's

Gina

And

Tavie!

At Pemaquid Point, Maine.

Visitors

2009-03-12T10:36:00.002-04:00

Gina and Tavie will be here tomorrow, must get into, and stay in, clean mode. I was sick for a couple of days and I lost my momentum. I must get to the dishes and the table first, then declutter because I can get lost in decluttering.

"Huh," I'll mutter, "Here's that button that was going to go on that thing I was making. I wonder what I did with that thing. Maybe over here..."

Before you know it; more clutter.

So the day is planned out for me, although I do need to go to the store and get the cat litter that I didn't get yesterday because I didn't put it on my list because I knew that I need it and wouldn't forget it.

:-/

Yeah.

But first, the whores!

My Weekend

2009-03-08T18:41:00.004-04:00

I'm cleaning for my Goils, Gina and Tavie, who are coming to visit next weekend. I guess that you could call it an early Spring cleaning. I left the windows open while I was over to Laurie's borrowing an extension cord and the apartment smells so fresh and clean that I want to curl up and go to sleep.

Now I need to get some food in me, I haven't eaten yet today and thanks to the time change it's almost bed time. I think that I'll make some pasta and fling some butter and cheese on it and call it dinner.

In other news, I watched Buckaroo Bonzai, Galaxy Quest, and am now watching The Hudsucker Proxy. My dreams should be interesting tonight.

I Realize That It's The Shortest Month

2009-03-05T12:06:00.002-05:00

But DAMN February went by fast.

I'm going to make something to eat.

It's Groundhog Day!

2009-02-02T17:44:00.000-05:00

I remembered to watch Groundhog Day today.

Such a good movie.

"Their eyes met from across the room..."

2009-01-26T17:39:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I fall in love quickly but I keep it to myself. I don't go around mooning, or weeping about it. I don't bemoan the unfairness of life to poor friends who make the mistake of picking up the phone.

Maybe it's what I expect of life so I don't feel like I've gotten the fuzzy end of the lollypop because I've gotten used to the flavor of fuzzy.

I'm trying to not to let this newly eyeballed reality get to me, I know that it's my inner critic trying to keep me down. (From now on, my inner critic's name is The Man) but I'm going to keep thinking ideas with buoyancy to counteract The Man. (See it works.)

I'm going to ask myself questions to which I don't need an answer; am I a good a friend? What kind of a person am I? Just thinking about them will make me feel better and calmer in general. At my core I know that I am worthy of good things, I just have to stop missing the taste of fuzzy.

Because Mr. Gaiman rocks it hard

2009-01-24T15:58:00.001-05:00

I give you this link to the only preview he's liked for Coraline.

Happy New Links!

2009-01-12T13:50:00.002-05:00

I have added some new links to the role on the left of your screen, and I've removed a couple as well. I plan to add more as I start to notice my web routines more.

I seem to spend lots of time on Facebook playing Make Me a Celebrity games and reading updates can take hours of my time.

If you have any sites to recommend please leave a comment.

2009; A Pain In The Ass Already!

2009-01-01T20:56:00.002-05:00

Went to bed early-ish last night, only to toss and turn before falling asleep minutes before midnight. Then woke up at 1:34am with acid reflux and stayed awake until nearly 6am. Tiniest of naps till 10am.

It was supposed to be cold last night but thanks to Joss pressed against my legs and Dresden wrapped and rumbling around my head I was sweating. Tonight feels colder to me. I usually sleep better when it's cooler- and I've only had a couple of hours sleep the night before.

Spent the afternoon with cousin and fam, ate too much pork pie (YUM!) and am now on my way to bed.

As is my tradition I made no resolutions, but I'd like to hear what you resolved to do. Leave a comment (with your name, please).

Okay 2008...

2008-12-31T13:41:00.001-05:00

...I'm done with you. In fact I'm pretty much sick of you.

Out!

Get!

Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

Today I Am An Adult

2008-12-24T17:39:00.004-05:00

No, I didn't get married, or buy a house, I did something that most people take for granted.

I ran some errands and went to visit a friend.

I did this with a borrowed car and I did this alone. For the first time.

I have never had the freedom to go where I wanted to, when I wanted to, and mapped the trip the way I felt like it. It was wonderful.

I have never felt like an adult, as I've mentioned here before I've waiting for a letter to come and give me the instructions on how to be grown up. Or an epiphany that would open up that closed of part of my brain that keeps me feeling like a child.

I got my epiphany while sitting behind the wheel of my neighbor's Neon. It was if sinuses I didn't know I had suddenly cleared and I was able to breathe deep and free for the first time.

It was a nice way to spend Theanna's birthday eve.

Now I can't wait to do it again.

Doesn't anyone want to give me a car?

Driving Force

2008-12-20T16:55:00.002-05:00

This winter I haven't gotten depressed about the snow. I think it's because I move Laurie's truck for her and that makes it feel like a storm is a good thing. I love to drive. I've driven alone twice now and am looking forward to a time when I can just go anytime I feel like it.

Someday soon I will take a road trip to New Jersey and see my Goils. There will be much laughter and kitchen snuggling. I might have to wait until spring, but today is the first day of winter so it's not so far away. The days will start getting longer, and longer. I can't wait.

I haven't heard from my cousin since Thanksgiving, I wonder if I should call her or wait until she calls me. Waiting for a call hasn't worked out very well for me, I've lost friends that way. They might say differently but that's how I remember it; I decided to let them call me for a change and they never did and the next thing I know I reach out only to have my hand slapped back.

I'm sleepy.

In This Holiday Season

2008-12-16T11:45:00.002-05:00

Do yourself a favor and rent Kinky Boots.

Whatever Lola wants

Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you
Make up your mind to have no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through
I always get what I aim for
And your heart'n soul is what I came for

Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets,
Take off your coat
Don't you know you can't win?
You're no exception to the rule,
I'm irresistible, you fool, give in!

Update

2008-12-02T11:44:00.002-05:00

How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was great, thanks.

My cousin, Cathy, her daughter, Christina, and Cathy's companion, Greg, came over for dinner. I made turkey, dinner rolls, heart attack mashed potatoes, and Cathy and company brought nibbles (deviled eggs, olives, pickles, etc.) and cranberry sauce. The best part was the conversation and the snuggles (hey, Tavie, I got kitchen snuggles from my cousin!) and the laughs.

One other Thanksgiving note; I was talking to Sparkie the other day, I was telling him about the push to make lobster the Thanksgiving meal in Maine. He pointed out in fact lobster was served at the first Thanksgiving, but never caught on. I said that it was because they were so hard to stuff and the guy with the instructions died.

I've kept the place pretty clean after the huge push to get it clean for company; dishes are done every day so that there is nothing in the sink when I go to bed, the table has remained mostly clutter free and I'm going to vacuum today.

In cooking news, for the first time I boiled down the turkey carcass for stock, it took until yesterday to get it down to a really flavorful broth. It was so good that I had to have some last night with the last of the left over turkey meat and potato. Very yummy! I'll have to get another bird while they are relatively cheap for cooking and broth. I'd like to can it or freeze it. Yes, it was that good.

Now I've got to get two more colors of silk and I can make my curtains for the living room. I'd like to go to The Christmas Tree Shop again to get one more curtain rod for the kitchen, but I don't have any of the fabric for that yet so it can wait.

I'm off to eBay to look at fabric!

NaNoWriMo

2008-11-16T16:02:00.001-05:00

I added a new character and am at 11,894 words. Behind where I should be, but still writing.

Damn, damn, damn

2008-11-10T19:22:00.002-05:00

So here's the deal; Sparkie and I are doing NaNoWriMo and I hate the story that I'm writing. It was an idea that I had that I hadn't really thought through. It was a shiny idea that made me think that I could write. I'm so not going to start over, I've written 9700 words on this piece of crap and I'm not going to start again with a blank page.

I just needed to blow off steam.

Thanks for being here for me, Blogger.

Reminder

2008-11-03T11:55:00.001-05:00

If you don't sign your name, I will not show your comments, I don't care what you wrote. I made one exception and that's it.

Yay!

2008-10-29T20:12:00.001-04:00

I got my license yesterday! I can drive alone! If I had a car!

Yay!

I was so pleased that I told the guy giving me the test that I had to give him a faux hug then I squeezed his arm with my hand. And before he got out of the car I told him that I'd miss him.

When I went inside the BMV to get Eva I left the paper license inside the car and steeled myself and froze my face into a "nearly crying" expression and waved her over to the door. She came toward me ready to console me but I couldn't hold it any longer. "I got it!" I said with a big smile. She was so happy for me that she squealed and hugged me.

I'm not big with the practical jokes but I knew that she'd get a kick out of it. I've got 60 days to get my regular license. I couldn't do it yesterday because I didn't take proof of address with me. I wasn't counting on it at all. Even though I felt comfortable behind the wheel, I didn't want to jinx it.

So, I'm licensed to drive. I'm guessing that my license to kill will come later.

An Update

2008-10-18T18:29:00.002-04:00

Not that there's anything to report, really. I had a very painful sinus headache for 2 days but it's gone today so that good. Dresden is a smart little boy who's becoming a big boy. He's almost as big as Joss, not as wide bur he is as tall and long as his sister. He's a funny boy, too. When I tell him no, and it's something he really wants, he runs away chirping. You know that sound that the mother cat makes to call her kittens? It's like that. It's like he's full out whining like a little kid. He does make me laugh.

He still plays fetch, although I was told that he would grow out of it, when he wants to play he'll bring me a sponge ball to throw.

Joss is standing up for herself and not taking any of Dresden's attempts to Alpha her out lying down. She smacks him as he lays on his back in front of her and reaches out to tap her. It's all a jolly pantomime that I enjoy -- stifling laughter -- from a distance.

On the news yesterday they said that we might have snow Tuesday and Wednesday of this coming week.

Shoot me.

Why?

2008-10-03T03:38:00.002-04:00

I fell asleep no problem, but I woke up at 1:30 and now I can't go back to sleep. It's been two hours and I'm only slightly tired. It's crazy. I have plans to go out to dinner with Keith (no big deal, he's a smoker and I'm allergic so it can't go anywhere) but if I can't get some more sleep I'm not going anywhere.

Sleeplessness always shows in darker circles under my eyes that no amount of make-up can cover; it goes from dark, dark, dark, dark, to clown in nothing flat. Plus I'm already feeling cranky I can only imagine what a further 14 hours will bring. Mind crushing delirium, probably.

I did write a thousand words of nothing much yesterday in about an hour so I know that I can do it, now I need to find my muse. If anyone reading this has any ideas please pass them along. I can use the inspiration.

I lost all my notes and most of my writing in the Great Storage Fiasco of aught seven so I have to start from scratch. I'm especially hurting about losing the first part of my novel and hope that I have it on disc somewhere. We're talking about over 20 years of work - gone. I've got to find a way to let the frustration go, but it's hard.

I guess I'll go read for awhile.

Such a Good Boy

2008-09-17T19:08:00.002-04:00

He taught himself, you know.

It's My Birthday

2008-09-05T22:30:00.003-04:00

I'm this many years old... ::fists, flex, fists, flex, fists, flex, fists, flex, single fist, and two fingers:: No wonder adults don't tell their age that way, I think I've given myself carple tunnel...

Not much to report, got up just before noon, played on the computer, called Theanna, went over to Laurie's to chat for a few minutes, Theanna picked me up and we hung out at her house, had dinner, then she brought me home. The energy was off at her place because her dog, Emma, my favorite girl, died last month and it was the first time I've been there since it happened. I have half a sore throat (right side) and Jossi is asleep on my chest; all and all, it's been a pretty good day.

It's way too early...

2008-08-11T06:11:00.002-04:00

But I'm awake anyway.

Heartburn and an aggressively snuggly kitten have roused me from my bed. I've got to put candied ginger on my shopping list and there's nothing I can do about the kitten. Wouldn't want to anyway. It's the kind of attention I need. He sleeps with his paws wrapped around my head, purring and purring, sometimes rubbing his face on mine. If I make kissy sounds he offers up his lips.

Been up for about an hour, looking at my matches on Facebook, the kind of thing I'll only do half asleep. Even sent so messages to the guys I liked.

I'm going to try to get some more sleep.

Two Weeks Later...

2008-08-01T15:19:00.000-04:00

I still haven't gotten to go swimming and still want to.

Post Six Hundred and Sixty-Six

2008-07-29T17:00:00.000-04:00

You Know What

2008-07-13T11:49:00.000-04:00

I want to go swimming.

Something's Off

2008-07-11T23:00:00.002-04:00

I couldn't tell you what, but something is out of whack. I've been feeling it for the last half hour or so without realizing it, just sitting here with a dull ache in my chest, my eyes looking into the dark of the rest of the room (the only light is what is coming from my computer screen, and the street lights) looking for something.

Dresden noticed it before I did. He's been on me, snuggled up under my chins, then he gets up and shifts around, he looks at me, then leans in to rumble in my ear for a moment before resettling himself only to get up again. He finally got down, I think he is in tune with me and how I was feeling was uncomfortable for him.

What is it? What's gone...weird? Even if something hasn't happened to you, please leave me a comment and let me know that it isn't you that I have to worry about. And if it is you, you know who you are; you, who has taken a step away, you can let me know, too.

It's Tavie's Birthday!

2008-07-11T12:10:00.002-04:00

Wear your hair long and with a sense of swelling pride.

Love yellow and the number eight.

Have a twin and a beautiful soul.

Be loving, forgiving, and silly in equal amounts.

Celebrate your Tavie.

But get your own, this one's mine.

Depressed Again

2008-07-06T12:05:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling unloved again. It's been days since I had the strength to reach out to someone. It hurts that no one has reached out to me. Busy lives, I know, but how long does it take to drop an email, or make a phone call? I feel like the little dog in the cartoons bouncing around the bigger dog, begging, "What are we going to do now? Whatever you say! You're the best!" Then the bigger dog smacks the little dog and says, "Eeehhhh, shut up." To reach out to someone and not have them occasionally reach back is like being slapped down.

I wish I didn't feel this way.

Endings and Beginnings

2008-06-19T14:39:00.004-04:00

As some of you know, I lost my sweet Maudry Moo, the Wiggly Diva, February 15, 10:41EST of this year to kidney cancer. She was my love-bug. She would leap onto my hip the moment she knew I was awake and meow "good morning!" to me. When she was getting sick all she wanted to was to lay on me, left shoulder and chest if she could manage it. And she would make sure she could manage it; the second I sat down she was on me. I was with her at the end, laying next to her on the bathroom floor, petting her head, and letting her that I loved her and that it was okay to let go.

It still hurts, life without her, but I needed that kind of affection that her sister, Jocelyn, couldn't give.

Today I got Dresden. He's a little kitten, I'm not even sure that he should be away from his mother. But at around 1:15p there was a knock on my door and when I opened it, there he was on the floor outside my door. I squealed and picked him up; there around the corner, on the stairs, was Theanna with a big smile.

I've tried to take pictures of him but he's either under something or on the move, right now he's asleep on my chest.

Joss is not happy, but she'll get over it.

Proper pictures and stories to follow.

Doesn't Someone Want to Buy Me This?

2008-06-12T20:29:00.001-04:00

I have the book, but I want to hear his voice. I just love when he reads his essays.

Guess What...

2008-05-14T18:09:00.000-04:00

I've updated my flickr account with some pictures.

Another Holiday That Doesn't Apply To Me

2008-05-11T19:23:00.002-04:00

I wish I had gone to the cemetery to visit mom today.

I'm older than her now.

I can't explain how much that freaks me out.

In Case You Were Wondering...

2008-05-07T14:30:00.000-04:00

I have updated my wishlist (see left side of screen).

I'm just sayin'.

The Problem with Getting Older

2008-05-03T21:56:00.002-04:00

I realized today that I can't think of myself as a middle aged woman because I don't think of myself as a woman.

Let me explain.

I have known many people in my life who were their sexuality first, it was as if they walked with their hips leading the way. Also, I've known people who were their jobs first, it was hard to see them in jeans and t-shirts. Then there are the people who are their addiction first, their eyes are always darting around looking for their next fix. Girly girls and manly men, then there's me.

I've never felt connected to my femininity. Oh, sure, I clean up pretty good, but the whole gussying up on a daily basis seems like too much work to me. I've been known to joke around with people who call me ma'am; I demand that they call me "babe," or "chick" or "skirt" or "dame." It's a punchline, it doesn't mean that I get the set up. It's the same with age. I'm turning 47 this year and I still having come to grips with being an adult so to get that I am a woman, as apposed to a girl, perhaps young person is closer to the mark than girl, and then to be a middle aged woman quickly enough to have time to become comfortable with being an old woman before I die...

Well, let's just say, it isn't looking very good.

I don't feel older, I feel worn some days, but not older. I still feel (on good days) that I can still have a career. Granted, the ballet is probably out, but writing and acting could still happen.

I guess it'll be different when I look in the mirror and a wrinkly face looks back, but for now I'm going to work on being a female.

"Hi, I'm Rynn, and I'm a woman."

Fuck it, it's a start.

Thanks Montel

2008-04-30T11:05:00.003-04:00

I was watching Montel Williams while I was waiting for the apartment
management people to come and see if there might be any toilet tablets
in our collective tanks (don't ask) andMontel said something that made me realize something; I've been living on the surface.

If you don't know me well then you don't know that I have spent most of my
young, mid, and later adult life as a seeker of spirituality. I bitch a
lot here mostly because there are times that no one will listen to how
I feel or what I think and I need to get it out so it doesn't fester.
For the past few years there have been many distractions; several
moves; friendships, some bent, some broken; the death of a cherished
pet; and more money problems than I even talked about here, all of
these things have brought my focus to the surface. I have been
neglecting my soul.

It's a small epiphany and has little to do with what I've not been writing about, but I wanted to make note of it here.

Further long time

2008-04-27T11:09:00.002-04:00

I know, I know; I wrote that I would update soon. Life has made me too tired to do much more than I have. The trouble is that I don't feel like I can give a pared down version of the events and still do them justice that they deserve.

I will try to get back here, soon.

It's Been Awhile...

2008-03-21T17:46:00.002-04:00

But I can't unload an upload just yet. There's news I haven't told someone yet and I can't put it here before I can tell them.

I'll be back soon.

My First Attempt At Editing

2008-01-31T13:38:00.001-05:00

Oh, sure, it's just Jocelyn playing and all I did was add music, but I had to start somewhere, right?

Oh, and I converted it from .mov to .avi.

I tried to upload it here, but blogger hates me.

Recovering Beauty

2008-01-29T11:35:00.001-05:00

Please go visit the link on the left, Recovering Beauty, she's going though a bad time and could use the support.

Thanks!

Voice From the Past...

2008-01-20T13:41:00.000-05:00

I do think about you from time to time. I wonder what you're up to, if you've found peace, of the fun we had. (A time in an Italian restaurant with a dime, a piece of silverware, a glass of water, and a trick that could never be repeated, comes to me often.)

Then I remember how you willingly hurt someone very close to me. How you saw the wrong and sided with it and have never tried to make it right.

I don't claim to be faultless, but when I think I'm wrong, I apologize; I'm sorry if I treated you poorly when you didn't deserve it, but I don't regret the letter I sent you in spite of it ending our contact. You saw it as being out of line, but never took it seriously. You must have thought that the letter you wrote in reply was excusable, that I would just let it go; you believed I would call you for a ride from the airport. I'm sure there are things that you remember I've done for which you think I could make right with an apology. I don't remember them, I wish I could clear the air for Karma's sake, I work on forgiving you, but it hasn't happened yet.

The simple answer is I won't be friends with someone I don't trust. Truth used to mean something to you but now I couldn't trust you to recognize it.

As Theanna's friend Ron says, "Everything has an expiration date."

A Full Couple of Weeks

2008-01-19T14:31:00.001-05:00

Since last I wrote I've been promised a sofa, had my phone disconnected, been without meds, had the sofa snatched away, been promised an answer to an easy question, answer not given in time promised, wrote and sent a very direct email, received a reply telling me that my services as a friend were no longer needed, (this in place of answering the easy question) ran out of food, got my meds, forfeited my things in Berkeley storage unit, (writing, albums signed Douglas Adams, Graham Chapman, Terry Prachett, Michael Palin, Neil Gaiman, and rest of book collection, posters, pictures, buttons, sewing machine, vacuum, rug steam clearer - essentially everything I've gotten in my 22 years on the west coast,) all with a level of stress just below the shrieking line.

So, how's your new year going?

It's a Very Special Day

2008-01-04T12:44:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday Mr. Foley. I wish I could see you at San Francisco Sketchfest but I'm on the wrong coast.

Acting on behalf of The Queen, I grant you an amazing birthday and a fab-u-lous year.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't The Queen, but I'm sure it was a queen.

................................................................Happy Ne

2008-01-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

I was reading last night as I waited for the new year, got interested in what I was reading, and when I looked up again, it was 12:15.

I missed the new year by fifteen minutes; if my calculations are correct (and since they're mine and deal with numbers, how could they be) I'm going to be at least 15 minutes behind everyone else for this whole year.

Consider this your warning.

Tavie Reminded Me...

2007-12-23T13:28:00.000-05:00

...of my fascination of Lizzie Bordon. I was a very small child when I first heard The Chad Mitchell Trio sing her ballad:

Elizabeth Bordon took an axe
And gave her Mother forty wacks
And when the job was nicely done
She gave her Father forty-one

Yesterday in old Fall River
Mr Andrew Borden died
And he got his daughter Lizzie
On a charge of homicide
Some folks say she didn't do it
And others say of course she did
But they all agree Miss Lizzie B
Was a problem kind of kid

'Cause you can't chop your Papa up in Massachusetts
Not even if it's planned as a surprise (a surprise!)
No, you can't chop your Papa up in Massachusetts
You know how neighbors love to criticize

She got him on the sofa
Where he'd gone to take a snooze
And I hope he went to heaven
'Cause he wasn't wearing shoes
Lizzie kinda rearranged him
With a hatchet so they say
Then she got her Mother
In that same old-fashioned way

But you can't chop your Mama up in Massachusetts
Not even if you're tired of her cuisine (her cuisine)
No, you can't chop your Mama up in Massachusetts
You know it's almost sure to cause a scene

Well, they really kept her hoppin'
On that busy afternoon
With both down and up-stairs chopping
While she hummed a ragtime tune
They really made her hustle
And when all was said and done
She'd removed her Mother's bustle
When she wasn't wearing one

Oh, you can't chop your Mama up in Massachusetts
And then blame all the damage on the mice (on the mice)
No, you can't chop your Mama up in Massachusetts
That kind of thing just isn't very nice

Now, it wasn't done for pleasure
And it wasn't done for spite
And it wasn't done
Because the lady wasn't very bright
She'd always done the slightest thing
That Mom and Papa bid
They said, Lizzie, cut it out
So that's exactly what she did

But you can't chop your Papa up in Massachusetts
And then get dressed and go out for a walk (for a walk)
No, you can't chop your Papa up in Massachusetts
Massachusetts is a far cry from New York

No, you can't chop your Papa up in Massachusetts
Shut the door and lock and latch it
Here comes Lizzie with a brand new hatchet
Can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts
Such a snob, I've heard it said
She met her Pa and cut him dead
You can't chop your Papa up in Massachusetts
Jump like a fish, jump like a porpoise
All join hands and habeas corpus
Can't chop your Papa up in Massachusetts
Massachusetts is a far cry from New York

I understood the lyrics, I was pleased that New England was mentioned, (even at that early age I knew that as part of the United States New England was the redheaded step-child.) And it was about a girl who broke, much like cabin fever in the middle of a long winter, but instead of not talking about it, which is the Old New England way, she had a song about her.

Now understand, it wasn't that I wanted to kill anyone, but it gave me the idea that I didn't have to be invisible like everyone else, I didn't have to fade into the background, thus began my life of being different. Sadly, I was so shy that I couldn't break out the real me that I am now.

So, thank you, murderess, for opening my eyes to the idea of being real.

Next up: how Charles Manson inspired me to cook!

Note to Self

2007-12-20T04:13:00.000-05:00

Take Ginkgo Biloba with morning meds, not with night meds.

Four hours sleep, not enough. Makes me feel sleepy even though I'm wide awake.

Tsk.

Fun

2007-12-17T11:35:00.000-05:00

I went to lunch with Eva the other day and she took some pictures with her poloroid camera. She gave me one of them.

First Snow Storm of the Year

2007-12-03T11:28:00.000-05:00

I'm over it.

Conan and Letterman, Were Always My Favorites

2007-12-02T14:50:00.000-05:00

According to this article David Letterman and his company, World Wide Pants, have been and will continue to pay the staff that isn't on strike but isn't working due to the strike. This covers Late Show and the Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson, about 160 people.

Meanwhile Jay Leno, who, according to an unnamed staffer, promised his staff: "I can't get into details, but nobody will miss a car payment or lose their house. We're family. Trust me. I'm going to take care of this,"

Day before yesterday, Friday November 30, 2007, he laid off 80 staff members.

If all the allegations are true, Leno is a bigger asshole than I thought he was. I've felt like he was a complete prick for years, since he started hosting the Tonight Show.

Conan, on the other hand, is paying his people out of his own pocket. I love me some Conan. Always have. I don't watch his show as often as I used to*, but when I think of the late night talk shows, he's the one I like best.

I want to thank Conan and Letterman for being good people, doing the right thing, and helping me to have some more faith in humankind.

*If I were a Nelson Family, I would always "watch."

Could only happen to me

2007-12-01T15:15:00.000-05:00

One day, after sewing for many previous days, I noticed that there was a lot of thread ends on the carpet. I mean a lot. There were stretched out bits, balled up bits, and some of different colors that had collected together in short piles. The vacuum was no help, it was an old tank of a thing and didn't have much suction left in it. I gave up on having any mechanical help and set about picking up the threads by hand.

I leaned down to pick up a black thread ball and thought that it looked like a dead spider. As I got it closer I realized that it was a dead spider and dropped it. As it hit the floor the dead spider took off running. I stomped on it, thank goodness I had shoes on.

Needless to say, I stopped picking up thread and bought a new vacuum.

...

2007-11-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

It's snowing.

Support the Writers

2007-11-12T10:54:00.000-05:00

If you'd like to support the Writer's and the strike please go here and sign the petition so those walking the picket line will know that they are justified in wanting to be paid for their work.

eva8 recently commented:

2007-11-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

i understand why you write what you write here, it's what's in your heart.

but on the other hand, i sometimes wonder if anything good ever happens to you. i mean, haven't you ever had a nice day? or a time when someone did something nice? or seen something that just makes you smile?

you know my dear kevin is a kind of cranky bastard. and sometimes when he complains so much that i just can't take any more, i say to him "say something positive, right now!"
and then he'll say something like "my feet don't hurt"
:)

and now i say to you, "say something positive!"

Um... My feet don't hurt Kevin?

National Novel Writing Month

2007-11-06T12:54:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year, time to shake my head and wait for the words to fall out onto the keyboard and hope that not only are they are in order but that are interesting/entertaining.

Join me, won't you.

"That suicide shit is boring"

2007-11-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

I've been told that I need to lighten up on this blog. I told this person that I wrote what I felt and was told, "that suicide shit is boring."

Um, thanks?

Sorry to be so dull as to be depressed. I know that you don't understand why I can't just snap out of it in a couple of days like you do, but I'm not you. I've been as strong as I could be for as long as I could and I have been beaten by life. I know it must seem tedious to always read about a good friend feeling trapped and unloved and not wanting to exist any more. How could I be so rude to try to write my way through it?

On my own blog.

I shouldn't be hurt by this, because I've heard it before; you don't like weakness in people. But I am hurt by the lack of empathy you have for me. You'll take me to therapy but if I need an ear between sessions, I know it isn't yours. I'd like to think that it is like a blind spot, that you just can't see why someone can't pull it together, but I think it's a choice.

In an emergency, I know you will be there, I have no doubt. In a slow decline, I also know not to bother you, I will find my comfort elsewhere or not at all.

a little laugh

2007-10-29T19:03:00.001-04:00

The Biggest Blah of All

2007-10-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

I am in a very bad place. My stomach feels like its full of molten bile; I've screwed up so badly that I don't know where to turn.

Last month, my birthday month, I decided that I deserved extra fun so I took a small direct deposit advance. I thought if I charged over what I had in my account if I took a little more from direct deposit advance before the end of the day that I wouldn't be charged an over draft fee. I was wrong. I was over drawn when I received my direct deposit this month and was not offered the direct deposit advance. I don't have it in me to go into all of the details, I'm humiliated enough. The end result is that my rent check bounced, the payment to the storage unit was returned, and I just received a disconnection notice from the electric company (not the kid's show, the mean one) I'm running out of my meds, I have no cash, I'm overdrawn again and if it weren't for finally getting the money I was owed from T.D. I wouldn't have any food at all.

I know I brought it on myself, I know that there's no one to help me, I don't have anything to sell except the coins I've collected over the years and I can't get to a place where I can sell them.

I'm trapped. I want to climb into the back of the closet and curl up in the dark. And on top of it all I owe friends money. I'm in a hole and I can't get out, depression is pushing down on me. I'm so embarrassed to be in this place of worthlessness, but I have to tell someone and I don't think people come here often so maybe by the time it's read, it will be over.

The Reign of Blah

2007-10-26T00:12:00.000-04:00

I'm so sad right now. I don't know why. Sure I don't have money for my meds, but that's not it. I do feel a migraine coming on so that could be it. Usually before a migraine I feel really good; happy, at peace at where I am in the world. Sometimes I feel tall before a really bad one. I haven't had that yet so that's good. Of course I've been sitting down for the last few hours, so when I get up I could feel tall.

I have an aching sadness in my chest, there's a pixie with a pick axe in my skull and I hate where I am right now.

Blah

2007-10-22T10:32:00.000-04:00

I'm not having a good day.

I'm tired, bored, sore from walking, and lonely. And I'm feeling avoidy which makes no sense; lonely and avoidy?

The trees outside my living room window are bright yellow with orange tips, too bright to open the curtains. Pretty but a reminder that winter is coming.

If I had a car I'd go somewhere today, but as it is, I will probably spend the day inside, curtains drawn, TV for company, just waiting for something to happen.

How Am I?

2007-10-08T19:28:00.000-04:00

Sleepy. Very sleepy. Got to get up way early tomorrow and am afraid that I won't get much sleep tonight so I'm being what I suppose you would call "forward tired." It would be nice to just fall into bed and drop right off.

I really don't see that happening.

It will be nice to have some face time with Theanna, I saw her for the first time in ages the other day but that was just for a few minutes. I know I should take something to keep me occupied while she's working but I'm not sure what that should be; I'm out of new books to read, I could take Melanie and do some writing. Maybe I'll bring my Doctor Who discs to watch. Nah, I just finished watching them, I need to give it some time so I don't anticipate every line. I haven't finished watching Torchwood, I guess I could take that with me.

Or I could leave Melanie home and take some paper with me instead.

Or beading stuff. I don't know.

::yAWn:: I think I could go to sleep. But first I'll update my iPod...

Burp!

2007-09-30T22:44:00.000-04:00

I had some soup yesterday that tasted like microwaved feet.

Healthy Choice Broccoli Cheese; I don't recommend it.

I'm still taste it everytime I burp.

Mr. Sandman, Get Your Grainy Ass Over Here

2007-09-20T06:24:00.000-04:00

It's 5:11am and I haven't been to sleep yet. I'm not really tired, my eyes hurt from sitting in the dark writing on the computer. I should try to lay down and see what happens, because if I see the dawn I'm going to be very unhappy.

The last time I was up this late it was with Di. We had gone to Tony Dijamco's house to watch my DVDs of Firefly. The BART trains stop at midnightish and taking the bus home didn't sound safe to me so we caught the 38 Geary bus got off in front of the Hilton (my it rot in hell) and went to Lori's Diner on Mason street to sit out the night.

We ate, drank coffee and talked. It was fun. No real surprise, Ms Di is always fun. I miss her and her wonderful sense of humor. The best part of Di-o-rah-mah, is that she accepted me as I am. She told me once that she was sorry for the bad things that had happened to me but those things made me the person I was, and she really liked the person I was. I think that may be one of the most lovely things anyone had ever said to me. I was used to people not wanting to know or when they did know they disappeared (I'm talking to you, Davida) but to appreciate the scarred inner me and care for all my history is something special.

5:24 in the morning and a straight girl is yearning for another straight girl. I don't know what it means but it makes me feel all warm and loved.

It Is My Birthday

2007-09-05T12:33:00.000-04:00

And all I want to do is sleep.

I'm feeling very blue and avoidy, I almost want to cancel lupper* plans I have with Theanna, Eva, and Jennifer. I'd like to disappear, but then who would make sure the cats had water.

*Lupper cross between lunch and supper, like brunch but on the opposite middle of the day.

"What do you want for your birthday?"

2007-09-01T12:05:00.000-04:00

A couple of people asked and since I can't think of a post and I need new apartment things I'm going to make a list. Feel free to choose something and get it for me or quietly mock me, whichever you are most comfortable with.

Pizza cutter

Mixing bowls (Pyrex)

Baking sheets

Mixer (I really want a red standing mixer, but I know these are way expensive so a
hand one will do. Red if possible.)

Silverware

Iron

Microwave (I can dream, can't I?)

Storage for Sugar and Flour (Red with mason jar like tops)

Sauce pans (non-Teflon) with covers

Frying pans

Casserole dish (Pyrex)

Bed Frame (I want to feel like an adult and I just can't when I'm sleeping on
mattress and box spring on the floor, I'm not asking for a headboard or foot board
- just the thing that holds the bed up.)

Sewing machine (I have one in storage in Berkeley but I don't have anyone to get it
and send it to me.)

The Cuddler (Just a dream, it is the most comfortable chair I've ever been in.)

Scratching post (sturdy - so the cats will have something to dig on that isn't The
Cuddler. I'll be over here, dreaming my dreamy dreams...)

Then there's the good old gift cards for Home Depot, or Walmart, or Amazon.com.

I'm starting to feel oddly greedy so I'm going to end the post here.

A Week Away

2007-08-28T18:34:00.000-04:00

My birthday is next Wednesday, a week from tomorrow. I was born in the morning, 11:24 to be exact. The site of my first home is now a multiple stop traffic light intersection. (It is within walking distance from where I am now.) The hospital where I was born is now a building for storing files.

I'm going to take pictures so you all, well both of you, can see what has become of my past.